my old blogs were way better. they said more, they were honest without being cynical. some of them are wise, and i just rebuked myself reading one of my old posts. it was about friends, and how it’s easy to let them slip through your fingers, but old self reminded me that every time that happened i regretted it, that if i just put in the extra effort, it might have been better. i stand humbled by old self. so i will quote myself, and remember to go. :)
4. another wise man (not Thomas Jefferson) once said, “if you kissed ass your entire life, you’re not living. you’re just kissing ass. if all you’re friendships consist of kissing ass, that’s not friendship. that’s kissing ass.” honesty is appropriate sometimes and it isn’t. i would never tell a 6 year child where he came from. i would not tell my 5 year old kid that santa didn’t exist unless he was pissing me off one day and i felt like getting back at him, and instead of spanking him, i’d tell him i’m the damn tooth fairy too. but honesty is a good policy most of the time.
i wish people saw the world as i did. it would be so much funnier. or i wish i saw the world as others do. then at least i wouldn’t feel like i’m the only one laughing and enjoying. i have to remind myself everyday, laugh laugh laugh - live live live. back to life was the blog section before i deleted everything. now i remmeber why i deleted everything. for every new poetry section i deleted all my posts. dumb me. first it was back to life. then live, or die. now a breath of fresh air. back to life was a huge section. i miss you :)
years ago, i walked into school wanting nothing more than to see your face.
heart, listen to yourself. after seeing how easily mountains built with your hands break, how do you feel? sir, i feel dumb. maybe i should have never tried at all. heart, this is what they would want you to think ; futility in life because of the endless ceaseless power of death that comes nipping at your heels. sir, then what shall i do. you should live, or die. you have already come back to life, will you go back? wake up and see the world. breath in the fresh air. enjoy life in this very moment. what you have now. things may fade, friendships dearly lost. but the present is forever yours, for it will be the only time you can change. the past is set in stone. the future doesn’t exist. the present is our time. live, or die, my friend.
woohooo that was weird. conversations in my head. the meeting of a brain and feelings. i’m thankful i’ve been writing and reading poetry and reading books. it helps me to tune into how i respond, how i feel, to a certain text. and that works for real life. in tune with my body. i guess i am a sensitive gay boy. i love it. can’t wait till i meet someone weird just like me. then we could have fun playing the literature draft game that i’ve been thinking about ever since i’ve thought of it. i would draft emily dickinson. her poems are magic. she would be the dark horse poet. unstoppable baby.
homework time. goodnight, heart. see you in the morning. dont dream too hard, or you might never want to wake up again.
and that, it is how i feel everytime i wake up.
